Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ever take a dump so big your pants fit better when you were done!

   Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. You don't hear them asking for 5 pounds a month.

   The legend goes that St. Danica Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.....must be hard to put all the tiny seat belts on all the snakes.

   My hands are so soft and warm that when I accidentally touch myself, I end up naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen bar. Room mate hates it.

   If we all end up in prison one day for illegal music downloads, I can only hope that they divide us by music genres.

   shopping list....plastic bags 4 bucks, gloves 15 , knife 20 , rope 5, duct tape 6 , black mask 6....the expression on the face of the counter guy...priceless...

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   50 shades of can't stop drinking.

   If Hillary Clinton wins, I'm getting Rosetta Stone and sending El Chapo my resume.

   Can we vote Justin Trudeau as President of the United States?? He's more of a celebrity than Trump is.

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie, have some drinks, talk" and actually watch a movie, chat and drink, then you're a failure as a man…

   "It looks like the Easter Bunny came here last night" "Let's not jump to any conclusions. Until we get these semen samples down to the lab we can't be sure who it was."

   If anyone lost a roll of $20 bills with a rubber band around it...... I found it, spent the money and shot the rubber band at a suspicious looking squirrel that was eyeing my Reese's Pieces.

   Jesus died for our sins, so if we don't sin he died for nothing.

   Jesus says to John come forth I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

   The Thunder God went for a ride Upon his favorite philly. "I'm Thor!", he cried. The horse replied, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"

   When I say 'Netflix & Chill' sometimes I mean that. Stop kissin' my neck and watch this serial killer documentary with me or get the tf out.

   I hate being sick at Christmas. My wife says I'm not sick, but I was just jacking it while looking at a picture of a fat nun pissing on a hot schools girl. How is that not sick.

   Future Job For Kellyanne Conway: Starbucks Barrista.

   You know what it means now that Mr. Potato Head has been made gender neutral? Yep. No more Tater Tots.