Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time a car passes by me with an old matress strapped down to the top, I often wonder if there is that little possibilty that a prostitue could be making a house call!

   now that oprah is gone, Can we put daily football on?

   Made up words that people use to sound smart: Supposably, Irregardless, Exspecially

   You know what it means now that Mr. Potato Head has been made gender neutral? Yep. No more Tater Tots.

   Future Job For Kellyanne Conway: Starbucks Barrista.

   Trump: I'm not the man I was for 60 years anymore. Reporter: when did you change? Trump: Thursday

   A girls r like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   "Do they know it's christmas time at all?" Yeah they should. They made most of the presents.

   Every womans' dream is a nice big wedding. Every mans' nightmare is a nice big wedding

   just had my LEFT side removed. I'm all RIGHT now

   Patience is the ability to let your light shine after your fuse has blown

   Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife

   What's better???????.... A hot woman drinking more than you or that same woman buying you drinks?

   remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit..

   knows that hangovers are Gods way of saying you kicked ass last night.

   WTF It's been 25 something years since Charlie Bucket took over the Chocolate factory,and we are still buying Wonka Bars! I want a damn Bucket Bar! I know wonka picked the wrong kid. Veruca Salt would if had her own bar by know.

   I was a little disappointed in my morning.. the crayon said peach.. but it sure didn't taste like peach!

   There are two types of people in the world - those who have had Dinty Moore's Beef Stew and those who have not.

   I go where I please...and I please where I go.

   Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.