Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"

   Hey Chick-fil-a, hamburgers aren't made from dairy cows...

   Ladies; When a guy you don't know offers to buy you a drink in a club, he's not being nice he wants to have sex with you. It's not rocket science.

   Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. Read Latest Breaking News from Newsmax.

   Facetious: The only word in the English dictionery to use all the vowels in a row. a.e.i.o.u.

   We all have a lil devil and an lil angel on our shoulders... Only problem is my lil devil is a hypnotist...

   sometimes feels like going up to people who have just been seated at a restaraunt and say "Just to let you know, the last person that sat here threw up on the table"...

   Maybe this Mississippi flooding is part of the rapture thing? Has anyone thought about building an ark???

   I bet those people that mow their lawns just after it rains are the same people that wash their car just before it rains.

   I delete the recent history from my profile for the same reasons I don't go to church. It gives people the wrong impression and it makes Jesus roll his eyes.

   I was jammin out at work with my iPod when a coworker walked in smiling at me. I pointed to my ear piece and said "Hoobastank." She frowned at me and said, "Well, it's certainly NOT mine." and stormed out of my office.

   Can you tell when your statuses are lame? Yes, But unlike parents of an ugly baby, I can disown my status.

   its all shyts and giggles until someone shyts and giggles!!

   Who came up with kisses? The very first kiss must've been creepy "What're you doing why R you sucking my face?" "Jus trust me on this one"

   want a tissue for ya issue....

   Couples who exchange "sweet nothings" on facebook, stop it, every time you do that I kick a cat.

   There are many paths on the journey to find the right person to be with, but I think we all have chosen the PSYCHOpath at some point in our lives!

   I woke up early this morning and it dawned on me.....OH SH!T, I betta go back to sleep! Lmao!

   Every time I drink a beer It makes your lazy eye disappear Every time I do a shot I think you're hot, but I know you're not, i'm just trying to drink you pretty!

   kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.