Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The hardcore way to eat ramen: 1) Boil water 2) Eat block of ramen 3) Drink boiled water 4) Snort flavored powder 5) Fu*k B!tches.

   I never banng a blakc chikk, not 'cause I'm rasis it's just that I'm more of a "run my fingers through her hair" kinda guy.

   My 2 lesbian neighbour got me a watch for my birthday :/ I think they misunderstood me when they asked to me what do you want for birthday and I said: I WANNA WATCH!!

   like a lawyer with the way he is always trying to get you off

   We change, and love changes and best friends become strangers

   Twitter is a cold and lonely place, I am going back to Facebook.

   Some people run marathons, I watch them on my couch. Indiana Jones on Syfy!!!

   Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.

   Happy International Women's Day, the world doesn't turn without us!!

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones... Hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...............

   “How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said The Bride, looking out the window. “Well, it is March, it comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb,” I replied, coming up next to her. It was then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front

   “There's always more fish in the sea.” Well that's fine…if you want a fish with 3 eyes and 5 fins due to all the radiation in the sea now.

   Advice of the day: Never do a runner from a Kenyan restaurant.

   What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

   i'm like an ostridge, i'll stick my head in any dirty hole

   at Walmart letting the one tooth wonder check me out!!!

   I remember when a MIX tape off the radio (while the DJ wasn't talking) was the best Valentine EVER!!

   My blood type is Dutch Bros.

   There is no app that can show you who is "stalking" your profile, no video of Usama getting shot, no honest politicians and no Easter Bunny. So please quit being so permiscious with your clicker and spreading FTV's (fb transmitted viruses).

   more frustrated than a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll downhill