Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man-Flu is more painfull than childbirth. This is a scientific fact*. *(based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "handshakes"...

   relieved that the bottle of "Glass & Steel Cleaner" was "Not tested on animals".....

   ...when the therapist asked me about my relationship with your parents, I replied "non sexual" the facial expressions were well worth the $100 dollars.

   LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

   How is America "Great" when in a population of over 300million, the best they could produce was Clinton and Trump to be the World's Police? LOL

   Trump asking the media not to be rude is like Jeffery Dahmer criticizing a victim for their dining etiquette.

   I went to a spin class led by Sean Spicer. It worked completely different leg muscles because all we did was back-pedal.

   I'm watching a little known show on Netflix called Tearjerker. It's about a guy who cries while he m@sturbates.

   FYI, an extra $1.25 isn't considered a great increase, IMO. Just saying....

   Dear Maw & Paw. I've been captured by the blue wave. They actually fed me, clothed me, got me medical attention, and teaching me to read. Total monsters.....Love, your son, Billy Bob.

   the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

   I cut my finger when changing the spark plugs on my car. This proves that it *is* possible to get blood out of a tune-up.

   : Trump "This is the longest improv show ever."

   Trump should grab Hillary my the p***y and drag her off the stage...

   Nothing says "4th of July" than a huge tank.

   "Santa, have you been working out? It sure shows. By the way, I love the new work flow plan you've established for the elves. Very efficient!" - Rudolph the Brown Nose Reindeer

   Yall remember when in 2013 Obama shut down the government... Welp in 2020 Trump shut down the whole USA

   QAnon: because the Tea Party wasn't stupid enough.

   It took Trump two days - and outcry from lawmakers and many other people on social media -- to condemn white nationalists and neo-Nazis. I no longer want to support a president like that. I was a huge Trump supporter - not anymore...