Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientific Fact: The gravitational pull of cleavage on men's eyes is incredibly strong and cannot be fought.

   You yield at a circle intersection, you don't stop if there is nobody in the circle people!

   Bruh, if she's still driving around in a car that's full of Hellokitty apparel, then she's too young for you !!

   I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the 50 tweets I p0sted in the last hour?

   Looking at your textbooks and thinking, "What a waste of a tree".

   Oh, the things I do for love...like lie to the police concerning my whereabouts the night of August 4th...

   Sex might satisfy, food might fuel, love might sustain, but without booze, what is the point?

   She's teaching me wine appreciation which is cool, but I'd really appreciate a bigger glass.

   Bryan Brown ‎"Can I see your phone??" SURE.. Just don't look in my contacts.... or my texts... or my pics.. or my videos... or my.. you know what just give me my damn phone back.. #Mr.Brown

   You never want to hear "Is that where you're supposed to poop?!" yelled by an adult from across the house. Especially not on shrimp scampi night.

   "You must not only respect the pouch, but yourself as well." - Capri-Sun Tzu

   when I'm good, I'm great.  When I'm naughty, the neighbors need a cigarette!!!

   where the treasure is found on a treasure map

   I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then when they mess up I will just hit them all at once.

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things that I keep to myself!!

   I don't realise how hyperactivity stupid I'm being until someone imitates me. :)

   Fillibustering a slice of pizza.

   If chics would wear slut rings instead of mood rings it sure would save a lot of time.

   Time for UK to return Falkland Islands to Argentine or face The Pope!!

   I love when people see me and say..." Ohh I've been meaning to call you.. But lost your number.." B itch my number hasn't changed in 10 yrs! It should be implanted into your brain cells!