Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Donald Trump says he "will spill the beans " on Cruz's wife, I always wondered what beans Heidi eats??

   The Harold and Kumar movies are probably the best Korean/Indian buddy movies ever made.

   fine then, family is NOTHING

   Just a friendly reminder: Jesus is always watching you.

   If your kind of fun doesn't involve bruises, then you are not having the right kind of fun.

   drinking box wine, eating macaroni and watching p0rn

   Due to your inability to put dishes in the dishwasher, I am diagnosing you with Dishleprophoia - Fear of being trapped inside a dishwasher...

   Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.

   Life got 4 steps. 1: you belive in santa. 2: you don't belive in santa. 3: you are santa. 4: you look like santa

   Comin' up next on Mythbusters: Does Democracy REALLY work??.. ( high-speed footage of Buster being shot out of a cannon and into a voting booth.. )

   If I offer you an inch and you decide to help yourself to a mile! I won't bother waiting for Karma to take care of business...Just Sayin'

   Having a p enis doesn't make you a man. Getting mad at some Ikea wood pieces after not reading the instructions makes you a real man.

   Abraham Lincoln was a badass vampire hunter too?? Why did I never learn about that in school?

   My p3nis is just like an Elephants Trunk.... It's not big... I can just pick peanuts up with it

   I hope Sandy doesn't blow all the dirt off the top of New Jersey's landfills...I mean mountains!!

   I wish I loved anything as much as Donald Trump loves to be relevant.

   Wife asked me if I liked Cranberry for Thanksgiving, I said that depends on what you serve it with. She said Turkey and Gravy? I said no silly, VODKA....!!! If looks could kill....

   As long as my girlfriend and I aren't fighting, we like sit down on the couch and get into a nice, long argument.

   Your life must be really pathetic if you spend your time and energy fighting against the rights of others.

   Attention Lobsters & Crabs with one super buff claw,,, Please consider working out with the other one sometimes.. You look pretty dumb OK