Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   40% of the men say "I Love You" by accident...the other 60% who do not say that..meet with an accident !

   The customer asked the clerk, "Do you have anything that makes me look thinner?" "How about a week in Somalia?"

   If wearing a hoodie automatically made you a suspect there'd be dead emo kids everywhere.

   wonders...how many is y'all and how far is over yonder?

   I am in no condition to talk about you're feelings(I'm a man)

   Contribute to my Kickstarter campaign! We're raising as much bacon as it takes for Carnie Wilson to finally reunite with Wilson Phillips.

   I never said I knew what what I was doing, I said I was going to do it anyways!

   just huffed a can of spray cheese, now I'm full... and stoned

   Today, I had a package stolen from my porch. It was a shipment of customized M&M's for a Valentine's gift. I spent $60 for someone else to eat "I love you" messages.

   Valentines Eve: AKA Desperation to get a Date DaY

   I still can't believe that Whitney Houston died. Where were you on that one, Kevin Costner?

   You know, many people have an artificial Christmas tree so they can use it year after year to save money. Why not do the same thing with roses on Valentine's Day. You can leave them up until Easter- maybe hang some Hershey's Kisses on them. Quite festive.

   I put a lock on my bathroom door. I don't want anyone stealing my chit.

   Bad Timing: When the girl who had a crush on me for 2yrs, sneaks up behind me and gives me a hug right when I just farted! !

   blowing bubbles for the kids, they insist I blow cigarette smoke in em cuz they sink and explode like grenades. hope they get me an iron lung for my b'day this yr

   What's dangerous and eats nuts? Syphilis.

   Too many girls put me in the friends zone, I've got to take myself out. Its not going to be a safe haven to long. "The friend zone: where good soldiers go to die."

   The extra muscles it takes to smile after losing an Oscar is such a workout it keeps the actors thin for the whole next year!

   Florida's Zombie, Florida's Zimmerman, Florida's Laws, and Florida's Heat Team....sounds like Floridans are leading the chart in the Funny

   Chances are you're doing something right now that would make me hate you. Like breathing or talking or existing anywhere near me.