Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves Halloween, as people dont mind your garden looking scary

   The world is at peace when you're eating a burrito.

   I can't believe that guy in the Heineken commercial stole my wedding reception move!!

   May your turkey be overstuffed and the belt on your robe loose enough. Happy Thanksgiving!

   First love is when you meet in the moonlight and you find her lips pressed against yours. Married love is when you meet in the kitchen and she finds your trainers by the sink.

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?

   whatever does not kill me, only make's me stranger.

   on his way to the eye doctor. Hoping for at least a 12.2 megapixel upgrade :)

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   I bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.

   not suffering from insanity. Hes embracing every second of it.

   thank you facebook for remembering so many birthdays.

   wondering why abbreviated is such a long word?

   here..now what are your other two wishes????

   I have a six pack which I wanna show off at the beach this summer it was too blady long in the fridge.

   passing gas on an airplane is like Russian Roulette. You never know when the "deadly one" will hit. Not that I've done it before... I'm just saying...

   Don't push me! I will be forced to engage in a combat sequence, that should only end with your demise.

   doin a walk threw judge people at the bar when I got hit by a dart, F you KARMA.

   Everything in this world seems to be made for right handed people...it's so frustrating for someone like me who's underhanded.

   I'd like to kick Murphy's @ss for making any laws.