Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   always tells people they'll miss me when I'm gone and they say, "How can we miss you if you won't leave!"

   Cartwheels?...... In this economy?

   I wanna be the reason you hire a private investigator.

   A lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets is impossible. The good freaks wouldn't limit it to a bed. I'll take the freak everywhere

   Posting pictures of a huge supply of hard liquor isn't going to impress anyone but your toxicologist.

   My Doctor tried telling me I'm suffering from a split personality, I told him he was incorrect, as we're both just fine.

   Be thankful for who you are, because there might be someone out there who wishes to be you.

   Clark Kent’s mask is a pair of glasses? And no one recognised him? I wore glasses to the job I was fired from and I was still kicked out.

   Snooki cried so hard when she got kicked off of Dancing With The Stars. It wasnt cuz she lost or anything like that, its cuz she realize she is going to be broke for halloween

   You say," If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice. "There's no advice; he's greedy not needy.

   Alarm Clocks.....Making people "Rise and Whine" since its invention

   Every girl's diary is a Yelp review of your sexual performance.

   on a positive note, I got the results of my drug test back today

   Sure, my dog keeps running into the wall head first but you have to admit he looks way smarter since he started wearing my reading glasses.

   identifies as a tranzmillionaire. A rich man trapped in a poor man's body. Can we rectify this situation?

   fell in love on an elevator once and it ended in soul crushing heart break, so, no thanks Aerosmith. No frickin thanks.

   My nakedness is irrelevant to you at this point

   Ever watch the tv show 2 broke girls and get jealous of their bank account

   Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I'll kill you.

   Renato Bialetti, who made the stovetop coffeemaker, the Moka Express, famous, was buried inside of one after dying at age 93.