Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People don't seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.

   if someone tells you their buns are moldy and you're not in the kitchen....RUUUN"!!

   fb Who needs it, we have each other... right? Hello?

   "Does anybody know what time it really is?" - man with an irrational distrust of watches and clocks.

   Relationships are for two people, but some people just don't know how to count...

   I'm pretty sure it was worse luck for the black cat that crossed my path than me, since I ran it over.

   Dating Tip: Don't!

   My mom always told me not to do drug or talk to strangers, so I decided to do strangers and talk to drugs.

   Being a parent in the South is so easy... You just have to shout "Simmer Down" every few days.

   I no longer say 'YOLO', my philosophy is "LIVIN' LIKE LARRY!"

   ...Snakes & sparklers are the only ones I really like anyways....

   Wish my wife loved me like my cat does but she refuses to come in while I'm sh!tting and lick my leg.

   I wish I had the ability to see 5 seconds into the future so I could know whether to slam the door in someone's face or hold it for them based on whether they thank me or not."

   I'm so lazy I have to Google search "Facebook" just to go to their website.

   FINALLYYYY got a chance to sit down today... Too bad I'm still at work and the place I'm sitting is on the toilet : /

   If aliens attack earth we should all act like we dont hear or see them.

   Sometimes we must destroy something in order to rebuild it stronger, which is why drinking and liver regeneration are part of my regime.

   I am not really sure I can trust panda express. They say they have talking, emoting pandas that eat meat....sounds too good too be true

   I woke up and didn't see my shadow, so I went back to sleep for 6 more hours. Pretty sure that's doing it right.7

   OMG one of my jokes made it to the first page under the "rating" section! This reminds me of that one time I came in 3rd place in the 4th grade science fair...