Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw the video of Trump and the Russian ladies. It isn't as bad as it seems. Trump got stung by a jellyfish, and that is why they were peeing on him.

   I'll bet if two antennas fell in love, the wedding wouldn't be anything special, but the reception would be excellent.

   Make sure to put the letter "L" in the word clocks when you google grandfather clocks.

   Can someone please play with my flux capacitor already?

   Real friends are very special, but you have to be careful because sometimes you have a friend and you think they are made of rock, then suddenly you realise they're only made of sand.

   it just co-incidence that they chose the most one dimensional movie of the "Star Wars" franchise "The Phantom Menace" to make into the first 3D movie ?

   Help! I'm an heiress trapped in the life of a peasant.

   signed up for the wrong college courses... apparently I'm a rhinocologist..

   Hornrimmed glasses are back..and uglier than ever

   was worried about the tornado warning...then I looked around the house and realized it had already touched down.

   All I ask is that you wait until after St. Patrick's Day if you happen to be planning my intervention.

   Any time you hear someone say, "Bless his heart, but" you know the next thing out of their mouth will be negative.ive.

   Ba careful darling, you've got something on your ass… my eyes.

   I love the beach but I hate watching the Tide go out…It reminds me of my receding Hairline.

   I am coming mom, I am on Stalkbook, I mean Facebook.

   If you have eatin monkey brains right out of the skull, please brag about it

   I just woke myself up dreaming that I was waking myself up dreaming while I was laughing in my sleep. I don't think that's funny...

   Patient ''Tell me if it hurts?'' Dentist ''No it wont. It will just bleed.

   excited my "Spaceballs: The Flamethrower" finally arrived today!

   People don't seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.