Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: The first thing you need to ask your wife to do after an eleven-hour work day is give you a serious back rub. Explain to her that playing Xbox all day long really takes a toll on your muscles!

   Toast, and Bacon and eggs all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

   United States: High Fructose Corn Syrup.

   In Melania's defence, in her country it is considered a compliment to plagiarize a speech from the previous First Lady.

   I can't wait for her I have a dream speech in November! -hillary

   It isn't Hillary who I can't stand...it's her fans.

   The Democratic and Republican parties that we once knew no longer exist. Extremists to the left of me, control freaks to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with broads.

   Mother Teresa has been canonized. She's no longer Catholic fan fiction.

   80's - Republicans vote for an actor. 10's - Republicans vote for a reality star. ...Why do they still blame Hollywood for everything?

   Frankly Auto-correct, I am getting tired of your shirt!

   [Juice Bar]...... (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass.... (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir"..... *hyenas laugh*

   Most of you believe that this is April. It’s actually the 114th of January.

   You know that your wife's cooking is bad when dessert is Tum's chewables.

   Australia Doesn't Exist And People Who Live There Are Actors Paid By NASA.

   Come on people, drink a cup of Folgers and wake up.

   Altzheimer's Centre prepares for a party to remember!

   What is the biggest city in America ? Obesity.

   If I win the lottery I'm going to travel the world asking the citizens if they've ever heard of snow. When someone says WTF IS SNOW I'm home

   I went to a museum and it had all the heads from the statues in other museums .

   The one good thing Joe Biden will experience on Inauguration Day is that he'll no longer be 2nd banana.