Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.

   "Did you say, 'I'd like to meet her?'" Me: No. I said, I'd like to meat her.

   if I had a beer for everytime you were gay, i'd be like really really drunk

   Dear mother nature, now I know that last year when you made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights we had some words. This year if you ruin my summer again I might have to go against all of what I believe and choke a b***h!

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to stab you."

   Whats that Mr. Churchill; you say the germans are picking on your nation again, and you want need some help.

   Rush Limbaugh is the new spokesman for preparation "H". There is no follow up needed.

   I don't believe I had ADHD because I, Dude! Did you see that? Do you like apples? Wow! Candy corn! 45+78= What officer? What was I saying?

   When people hate on you, laugh at them, and then start making their voodoo dolls.!

   Went to the doctors today, he said ive got John McEnroe syndrome... I said..YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS !!!

   More people die of car accidents with a Deer than getting killed by terrorists. Maybe we should have them put on the al qaeda watch list.

   its days like this that some idiot out there feels the bravado to stick the tongue on a metal pole, I prefer to put my tongue on something warm, pink and juicy...

   I know when I take a huge dump its a big relief, is that how Obama feels when he talks?

   When a Mormon knocks on your door to tell you the "good word" you don't answer....why the hell would you want one to lead your country?

   What do you call that useless skin around the v*gina? A woman.

   also available on Blu-ray!

   "gonna get rich, or die trying"

   I've met many believers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

   practise safe lunch, use a condiment!

   I don't watch Faux News for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet.