Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was offered a job today.......Al Qaeda need,s a new leader...I had to turn it down ....couldn't get life insurance

   I have just discovered that dictionaries do not contain an entry for the word 'gullible'.

   I don't know about you, but a highlight of my teenagerhood was filling my Dad's Vodka/Whiskey bottle with Water/Apple juice..

   I just made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.

   wondering if Les Miles thinks he should have taken that job at Michigan...

   if alcohold is made from old fruit then I exceed my daily requirements by a long shot

   #AwkwardMoment empty restroom and he comes to the urinal right next to you......(-___-)

   Having a girlfriend who speaks a foreign language you dont understand can be tricky. She could receive a call from her secret lover and talk to him right in your face and you would never have a clue.

   Just woke up from a nap with the WORST taste in my mouth

   I sometimes like to call the Suicide Hotline before having a wank Nothing makes me hornier than a woman begging me not to do it.

   If you want to Learn How to Save & Budget Your Money Ask A Republican Or A Drug Dealer!!!

   ahh yes the 7-11 Big Gulp. How much soda can one person drink???? If I ever get one again I will make sure the bed of my truck is cleaned out and I have a hand dolly to wheel it out of the store..............

   I'd tell you a joke about my p*ssy...but you'd never get it!!!!!!!

   On a ship, Captain Blackmails a girl, “If you dont sleep with me I'll sink the ship” Later, she text her husband, “You must be proud of me, I saved 600 passangers 9 times in 2 days.

   Remember when you were young and you liked to blow bubbles? Well, hes back in town and wants you to give him a call...

   Marriage is like a permanent tattoo, looks awesome on others, you want it too, you feel nervous at first, you get it done and then you are stuck with it.. :P

   :Apparently all the women that can deep throat are sitting in their rooms sexting all day.

   Mirror mirror on the wall, I dont give a shit about seeing snow white and the huntsmen at all.

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green....

   Tattoos are not trashy, the people who wear them can be though...