Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have nothing against exercise. I just wish people would care as much about exercising their minds as much as the do their bodies.

   wouldn't it be nice if the past 2 1/2 years turn out to be an episode of Punk'd

   They are choosing a man over the country. That isn't patriotism. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

   The drummer for the Allman Brothers band has passed away. That means only three more drummers, four more guitar players, and a doped up keyboard player to go.

   The American Dream is still Alive folks...You just can't do it as an employee or a Hillary

   The only snowflake that I'm proud about are the ones I turn yellow.

   All the GOP care about is who leaked. But what do you expect from a bunch of old white men whose bladders aren't their friends anymore.

   Manager: A room with double bed? But sir you are alone? Santa: Yes, It is just that I wish to enjoy the silence from the other bed.

   Sow a thought, reap an act. Sow an act, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny!

   Just bought an old ice cream truck, gonna go drive around later today selling bread and water. Just need to figure out what jingle to play on the radio.......

   Everyone who likes me is awesome and brilliant and everyone who doesn't is a selfish jerk. Weird.

   I hate it when you have to act happy & smile when you really just wanna punch that person in the face.

   I am just happy to be real, in a world that has gone FAKE.

   Cheered myself up earlier by putting a “no U-turn” sign in a dead-end street.

   don't feed me any BS. I don't eat that part of the cow.

   If she's still wearing silly bands, she's to young for you bro.

   Look. If there's a guy wearing a diamond dog collar in his profile pic, he's got a friend request coming from me. Period.

   Having your hands amputated... You just can't beat it!!

   I was offered a job today.......Al Qaeda need,s a new leader...I had to turn it down ....couldn't get life insurance

   I have just discovered that dictionaries do not contain an entry for the word 'gullible'.