Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you fight with a pig in the mud you both get dirty, but the pig likes it!

   They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.

   Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

   At $50 billion, Facebook is now worth as much as Oprah's little finger

   how you doing(in that guy with the golden voice kind of voice)

   "I am, is the shortest sentence in the English language, funny how "I do" is the longest!!

   If someone makes a valid point, you don't just get to say 'hater' and walk away feeling like you've won. If you say: 'you're just a hater' they should take away your right to vote or own property.

   Note to self: "Bring sexy back"

   I guess one thing that is good about going to hell is at least you can pee wherever you want to.

   You're a first time vegan and it's nice to meat ya

   This fish smells familiar. I just can't put my finger on it.

   I just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.

   Gangsta rap made me do it

   still has Circus Peanuts left over from Halloween 1956. Yum!

   the next time someone says nothing is impossible tell them to try and unboil a hard boiled egg

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered

   I want a red rider 200 shot carbine action range model air rifle with a compass and this thing which tells time built right in the stock.

   Golf is a good walk ruined

   People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   Donald Trump celebrated Free Slurpee Day by honoring those brave souls who died on 7/11.