Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

   At $50 billion, Facebook is now worth as much as Oprah's little finger

   how you doing(in that guy with the golden voice kind of voice)

   "I am, is the shortest sentence in the English language, funny how "I do" is the longest!!

   If someone makes a valid point, you don't just get to say 'hater' and walk away feeling like you've won. If you say: 'you're just a hater' they should take away your right to vote or own property.

   Note to self: "Bring sexy back"

   I guess one thing that is good about going to hell is at least you can pee wherever you want to.

   This fish smells familiar. I just can't put my finger on it.

   I just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.

   Gangsta rap made me do it

   still has Circus Peanuts left over from Halloween 1956. Yum!

   You're a first time vegan and it's nice to meat ya

   the next time someone says nothing is impossible tell them to try and unboil a hard boiled egg

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered

   I want a red rider 200 shot carbine action range model air rifle with a compass and this thing which tells time built right in the stock.

   Golf is a good walk ruined

   People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   Donald Trump celebrated Free Slurpee Day by honoring those brave souls who died on 7/11.

   Ted Cruz arrested for cannibalism after eating a bowl of Jell-O

   I have an appointment tomorrow with a new proctologist. He's supposed to be a terrific doctor with a great butt-side manner.