Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me.

   dont try to hold a fart coz it will travel up your spine, to your brain and thats where sh!++y ideas come from

   My woman calls me the UPS man, cause I deliver that package right on time. Or it could be because I wear ugly brown shorts.

   Sometimes there's no nicer feeling than pissing into a bottle But other times I hate my job at the bud lite factory

   Now that the Euro2012 football has finished , I wonder how many husbands will go back to their wives only to find that they have been replaced by `Mr Christian Grey` and something that requires batteries ?!!!

   Never buy a used phone. I mean idk about you but I usually take my phone with me when I'm taking a sh!t

   My truck is probably the most expensive bird toilet I own.

   Who's the best at Mud Wrestling... Girls from America or Girls from the UK? Only one way to find out... fiiiggghhhtt!....

   Women plank on my bed every night.

   Women should "learn to close softly the doors to rooms they will not be coming back to.”

   When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.

   This non stop Peyton Manning news is becoming a real pain in the neck.

   you say it best when you say nothing at all

   to the police officer : " Is not because I'm Drunk ! Is only because my Power Balance is not working! :Q

   this heat is making me as confused as a baby in a strip club...

   How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…

   I was locked out of my girlfriend's house last night, so I decided to smash her back doors in. Good way to kill the time whilst we waited for the locksmith.

   trying to arrange a week off work so I can watch 127 Hours

   Has a immunity idol hidden in my pants.

   Just saw Dianna Ross on Oprah, wow I don't think I'll ever get an erection again