Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are they acting like a real debate?....TeamTrump having a slow start

   I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, cry like a baby, leave as patient.

   You are catching up to the cool people, Happy Birthday!

   My newest pet peeve on Facebook lately when someone asks for a suggestion on hotels restaurants vacations spots etc.. google it you lazy/dumb F$)&tart.

   Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living.

   "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida

   I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,

   God created the world in 7 days, but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I'm a big deal

   China Travel Tip: If You're mugged by a chinese guy don't even bother reporting it to the Cops. They will probably narrow it down to some 53,000 suspects which will give you a bigger headache than you already have

   Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''

   When I first met my wife she had a little heart tattoo between her breasts. Now it's her belly button.

   When I was a kid the only flavor chapstick we had was medicine.

   If you never climbed across the living room furniture as a child, pretending the floor was made out of lava, or built a fort out of cushions and blankets, you didn't have a real childhood.

   [invention of the milkshake] drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster

   Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest

   Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.

   Sticker given to Trump supporters at the polls: "I Voted" Sticker given to Hillary supporters at the polls: "I Rigged"

   Dear Lord, Please use thy healing powers to see over Aleppo. And Lord, while you're at it, please check on his brothers; Groucho, Harpo and Chico as well. Amen.

   Apparently the Art of the Deal is actually the doodles you draw on your notepad while your deal crumbles.