Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, it'll do more harm than good? That's my specialty.

   Every day I live in fear or becoming an infomercial person. Yesterday I fumbled a jar of cinnamon and cried for three hours.

   Drinking Status: My liver just entered the witness protection program.

   "Dad, will computers become self-aware and take over the world?" "Of course not son, that's why we have women"

   One insomniac, two insomniacs, three insomniacs, let's count all the insomniacs on Facebook.....

   *At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.

   Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ♥ LOL JK, I have to pee.

   Camping is the answer. Who cares what the question is.

   Just realized that since Leia is technically a princess and Kylo Ren is her son and Star Wars is owned by Disney....Kylo Ren is literally a Disney prince.

   Question -- Is blowing your HR rep considered to be an ethics violation?

   Well waking up naked, covered in Chex Mix is not how I planned on starting my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.

   I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents house playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool.

   A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you at Golde

   Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

   You say mystery bruise, I say you're going to enjoy prison for a very long time.

   Hey dude, Did you know your refrigerator running?... Yeah,, Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates

   Pro Tip: The gorillas at the Cincinnati zoo do not offer babysitting services without being shot by the zoo staff.

   Juice Cleanse Update: I just ate my cat.

   People compare the super bowl to the daytona 500, thats BS people dont watch the race at home for the comericals...

   So in bed last night he says "let's have another one...". I wonder what story he is giving his co - workers today on how he got that black eye?