Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I've gotta go find my clothes.

   Pro Tip: Its easy to smuggle booze into work if you put it into your stomach first.

   THEN MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE WORKOUT CLOTHES SO COMFORTABLE TO LAY AROUND IN

   When you think about it, it's a rather fine line with some between insulting them and describing them

   Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

   I ' this close to trade 24 hours without hearing about Star Wars for 24 hours of Adele's ''Hello'' in loop on radio.

   most unromantic thing said ,to start off the holiday season..."so- what's the E.T.A on that blowjob?

   If you're smiling on Facebook for 7 years, you should revise your positive attitude towards your mental capacities.

   I'm at that stage of not showering where you develop a sort of detached, clinical interest in how bad you smell and seeing how much worse it can getting.

   all I'm saying is that Left Shark better be in the next Sharknado

   The first rule of "Stupid Status Club" is start your status off with "The first rule of"

   Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.

   should we say 15 more days of WINTER or 15 more days until SPRING ?

   You’re the “she” to my “nanigans”.

   Oh, it'll do more harm than good? That's my specialty.

   Every day I live in fear or becoming an infomercial person. Yesterday I fumbled a jar of cinnamon and cried for three hours.

   Drinking Status: My liver just entered the witness protection program.

   "Dad, will computers become self-aware and take over the world?" "Of course not son, that's why we have women"

   One insomniac, two insomniacs, three insomniacs, let's count all the insomniacs on Facebook.....

   *At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.