Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mike Ahern took a viagra (it got got stuck in his neck now he has a stiff neck,) licked a smurf, ran over his cell phone in the dining room, talked to a banana and karate chopped his dog in the elevator. It's gonna be a looong day

   heres a bombshell just for you...turns out i've been lying too

   life is about kicking a$$ not kissing it!!!!!

   I was just told that it takes three sheep to make one sweater. Wow. Thats shocking. I didnt know sheep could knit.

   Most people who enjoy racecars don't know what a palindrome is

   Gravity is pulling my pants OFF!!! 0:)

   ..thinks having bags under your eyes is no big deal. It's finding the shoes to match is the real problem!

   Watagatapitusberry!

   like superman just without the cape

   thinks Falcon needs to have his dose of Ritilin increased.

   building a weather balloon. But in my hoax, stay with me folks, I'll be using my imaginary transgendered hermaprodite pool boy, Joachim as the curious and missing victim. It's foolproof. There's no way this will go wrong.

   A rattlesnake if cornered, will be so angry that it will bite itself. That is exactly what harboring hate/resentment against others is. We think we are harming others in holding these spites/hates but the deeper harm is to ourselves. ~ E, Stanley Jones

   Some people swear by taking "power naps" for energy. I say screw the naps, if you want real energy all you need is a handful of sugar and a dash of crystal meth.

   I'm heavily armed...and not afraid to flab them in your face! :P

   i wish rihanna's nana would tell her what her name is!

   # is wondering on which day God created Justin Bieber... couldn't he have rested on that day too?

   facebook...u can poke another man's woman & he wont get mad about it

   Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.

   wants you to know... Suck all you want, He will make more.

   The last German who did THAT well on African soil was Rommel.