Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is National "Women Shut Up If your not Talking About Football" Day. GO COWBOYS!!!!!

   crunchy on the outside with a deliciously chewy center

   HUGE in Europe!

   trying to convince the parents she is a responsible adult. So far it isn't an easy ride.

   Obama is demanding British rocker change Rebel Yell to Rainbow Yell.

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive Insurance

   Anything unrelated to elephants is irrELEPHANT

   How many Bears can Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill Bears?

   God dont need a Dam, he can walk on water.

   I've had only had one glass of wine. . . Glass, bottle. . . whatever. . . A bottle is glass, right ??

   We're living in a real life DC Universe where The Joker pardoned The Penguin.

   I understand Rush has lost a lot of weight recently...Crystal Meth is amazing!

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat...it makes you lean...against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ....Ugly people!!!

   Lays is making new diet potatoe chip.....semen flavor... 97.8 percant of women spit them back out

   Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb

   If a tree falls in a ocean does it not make potato chips?!?! yeah I'm drunk

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; Someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the exact opposite of what you told them.

   In case of emergency : Stop… Drop… And roll a joint.

   Another Saturday night alone. I plan on jerking off into a sock then crying myself to sleep...

   I should be working at a spa...........cause I can give one heck of a facial!!!