Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My morning run was so cold my ballsack now looks like my wife's cameltoe…

   Thinks Oscar Pistorius killed his girlfriend because she didn't like him. She was 'lack-toes' intolerant.

   I know I have to watch Borat 2 to get the full story on the Rudy situation. But until the movie comes out, I'm gonna assume Rudy is guilty because it pisses people off.

   If the vaccine contains a chip, I hope it’s salt and vinegar.

   Build the wall out of solar panels. Make God pay for it.

   I was microwaving my lunch at work today ant three Trump supporters accused me of spying on the President.

   I never judge people by the color of their skin unless they have a spray-on tan.

   You want to know why Trump is so pissed off? Its because the whitehouse smells like coconuts and piss.

   the Catholic Church gets a lot of bad press, but if it weren't for my parish priest I wouldn't even know how to give a good hand job.

   Why oh why do people use an apostrophe to make a word plural? An apostrophe s is only used to show possession (Jane's books) or a contraction for "is" (she's late for work). Get it?

   if you're a single 30 yr old male living alone in a 1 bedroom apartment, despite your past, you should go ahead & add your name to the sex offender registry for future reference.

   You Canadians spell humor as "humour." American humor is better. We can do it without u.

   Lady GaGa was born this way 8======D

   I have come to the conclusion that people who have had their statuses disliked will go on a revenge mission and dislike other people's statuses no matter how good they are.

   If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

   Some random number just texted me thinking he was texting his manager saying that he was gonna be a few minutes late today. So I just gave him the day off.

   You know that movie Anaconda? They filmed it in my pants

   Republicans complain about people on welfare and unemployment benefits but want their businesses bailed out. Thats what I call "corporate welfare".

   knows when Farrah got to heaven, God asked her if she had any last wishes. She said she wanted all of the children of the world to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.

   I remember when Joe Biden told someone to shut up on national TV. Then Joe took that guy's job, his house and his Twitter account. That was awesome.