Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   those Hairy Twatter books were good but I liked the movies better!!

   Ladies, please. Enough with the fighting. I have plenty of tentacles for everyone.

   I put laxatives in my bosses slim fast. She's gonna be so skinny!

   Women just want to be loved and valued for who they really are on the inside, not just for their physical beauty... Claws and all.

   I'm black but not "talk loud all through your movie" black. HAHA JUST KIDDING I'M USING SIRI TO TYPE THIS TWEET DURING YOUR STUPID MOVIE!!

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you" - Women

   I wonder if the only thing open in Boston right now is Dunking' Donuts

   Last night I realized that 3.5 inches could totally satisfy me... Yep, I went shopping with my new credit card!

   Reese Witherspoon is the skim milk of celebrity arrests.

   Based on intelligence, people are classified into: 1- Genius 2- Smart 3- Average 4- stupid 5- Married.

   It's disrespectful to refer to Cinco de Drinko as "Cinco de Mayo

   small minded...SMALL MINDED!!...Yeah, I got nothing?

   growing old is mandatory growing up is optional

   Just want to thank all the people who reviewed "Star Wars" on Netflix. You guys swayed me, I'll check it out

   Kids are cute until they start using drugs

   It's smart how Freddy Krueger never attacked a community college. He knew he couldn't hurt or kill people whose dreams have already died.

   Women are from Hearts and Men are from Pen*s.

   See how long it takes you to get arrested in Walmart for starting a trail of gummy bears from the toy section to the bathrooms

   Every call from my mother is a judgment call.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, if you piss me off, your balls will be, too.