Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is deadly serious.

   Best 6 word combination in the history of mankind: Chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches.

   My dog was howling, so I mooned her.

   Stealing African children from their beds, mutilating their appearance against there will..... Madonna

   Sexual pleasure (When done right) is a passion to which all others are subordinate, but in which they all unite.

   For me, the sexiest part of a woman is her mind coz that's where she decides if she's going to have sex with you or not.

   You're fat because you have a slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!

   New Crayola colors... Aereola Pink, Ball Vein Blue, Puckered Sphincter Brown. They figured after watching Ky intense and extenze commercials, anything goes.

   "Pearl Jam" is my finishing move

   When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.

   My GF did something last night with her mouth that all men love. She shut it.

   Saw the new commercial again and I wont lie, I like that new brown M&M character. Now we know what it would look like if Urkel and Precious had a baby together

   Grammy Math. Lady Gaga + Meth / Rap Music = Niki Minaj. Discuss.

   as soon as the wife leaves for work, the kids grab their helmets for the amazing treadmill/catapult

   sure dude, you can have a smoke, and i'll light it for you, but tell me, have you ever even bought a pack of cigs in your entire life...oh its ok..yeah, I kno, you'll buy me a pack..ok yea

   Please give my compliments to the Chef......Boyardee

   "Hey Referees.... REAL ORIGINAL!!! Idiots." - Zebras

   You ever get so coked up you dislocate both your shoulders dancing to "Pump Up the Jam"...Oh, me either.

   Trump for some days has tried to please Isr aiel for rele gious motivations. And I'm not re ligious to give a...

   Steve Bannon spent St. Patrick's Day the way he spends every other day, drinking us all into oblivion.