Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it wrong to put eggs in chicken salad? It just seems wrong...

   why does the drive-thru ATM have braille?....what blind person is driving a car?

   Mazda is having to recall 42,000 cars because spiders have been making webs near the engine vent, which could cause fires. They said, "If you have a Mazda, just hop into that spider-infested fireball and drive it on back to the dealership."

   People who use tea bags only once, who the f cuk do you think you are? Bill Gates?

   Ok I put a staple in my finger today. Don't do that. Its not give birth pain but its like shooting heroin without the tingle.

   Jimmy cracked corn and no one cared about it so much that they've been singing about it ever since.

   Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

   I've decided not to workout today. Instead I'll be working on my ABS of beer.

   Cosby Show Fact: Sandra and Elvans Children were named after Winnie and Nelson Mandela. #RIP

   I was putting the lights up on our 12 foot Christmas tree this afternoon using a 10 foot ladder. Suddenly,I lost my balance, fell off of it and landed flat on my back on the floor. So thankful I was on the bottom step when it all happened.

   Kanye West knew it was love at first sight the moment gazed deeply into Kim Kardashian's big brown mirrored sunglasses.

   If by cold,, you mean my freezer is keeping things WARMER than the outside air temps,,, then yes it's cold...

   users please proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

   Awe poor Justin Bieber, I'll think about you whenever I push a hemorrhoid back in.

   Stalking: contacting, or attempting to contact, a person by any means.

   you ever noticed flies bother you when you don't have a flyswatter? and then you get the flyswatter and then there's none to be seen? Wth!?!

   hears Gold dropped 104.00 per ounce today...let's start working on the economic bail-out package for Mr. T.

   Sometimes you can take things too far with the wrong person. I'm the wrong person

   My hats off to all the guys who only have AM radio in their work trucks...yeah I'm listening to Merle Haggard also!

   Washing nylons in the sink makes me feel like the grown up lady I pictured when I was little