Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

   a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my....other handle? Great! I've turned into a frickin' sugar bowl!!

   if I win the 265 millon California lottery this week , I am gunna fly to Somalia and collect all the trillons of Dollars I've won from all My DEAD realatives and take over the world !!!

   Q: How was David Copperfield born? A: He escaped from a condom!

   Beauty is in the Eye Of The Beer Holder.

   Now I know exactly why Australians have their own version of " Australian rules football" !!!

   What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam!

   Theres 2 types of people in this world.. People who have been bitten by the Easter Bunny and people who haven't..

   New TSA slogan: "It's not a grope....It's a freedom pat"

   Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head..

   Just came back from hell I was stuck in the red twisty tube at chuck e cheese....being poked at and laughed at by brats!

   my shadow jus stopped followin me on twitter...he'll be bak, bright days are ahead

   My favorite character on Spongebob Squarepants in the guys that yells "MY LEG!"

   Both Political parties are debating the fault line responsible for today's quake: Democrats says its the Bush's Faultline and the Republicans say its the Obama's Faultline

   sorry that he cheated on his wife, hopes you believe in him again, and wishes these bruises from the 9-iron up his a$$ would heal already!

   You can't spell "culture" without "cult".

   What's the diference between a woman and a battery? A battery has a positive side.

   would rather check her facebook than face her check book

   Men like hot showers. Women like scalding hot showers that cause any man in the shower with them to act like a wussy b*tch about it.