Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If this is a witch hunt, didn't it end when they found Kellyanne?

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same ?

   The best part of paying $49 for this new toy for my son's Christmas present is knowing how happy some other kid will be in 3 months when we donate it to a thrift store

   Want to see somethine scary? When your house is full of teenagers for the holidays, unplug your wi-fi.

   I need to open an Electronics store and call it The Ohm Depot.

   I'll bet Facebook made all those changes because they think we're black

   A t.v. christian dating site commercial : Hey Christians, want to be in a meaningful relationship? ...whoa whoa whoa...arent they IN a MEANINGFUL relationship...with GOD?

   On this date in 2005 Hurricane Katrina blow more black guys in one day then...Lisa Lampanelli has in 15 years...

   "an absolute, undoubtable, indescribable vision of awesome. "

   I'm out like Obama in 3 years. Nite all!

   You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

   recommending a Magic 8 Ball for times when Obama has no teleprompter.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backwards. I think he inherited that trait from our Mom or Dad.

   paul bearer has sadly passed away, the undertaker will be handling the funeral arrangements

   Kidnapping? Such a harsh word. I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.

   Please be rude to your waitstaff because spit and pubes taste delicious when sprinkled on your food.

   After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eats the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

   Stop referring to yourself as a "woman with curves" when in reality you're a "woman with fat rolls."

   counting down!!! Only 91 days until Christmas, that's right CHRISTMAS :)

   When your ex says "you'll never find someone like me" say "that's the point"