Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Just Gonna Stand There And Watch Me Burn, Well That's Alright Because I Like The Way It Hurts" - Joan of Arc

   that myspace and facebook should team up together so that you can invite your friends to come on myface.

   I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.

   Just ran into the ex-girlfriend. She's doing fine ...but my poor car was totaled beyond recognition

   The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while jacking off.

   Tampax will discontinue tampons with strings on them, it appears that midgets have been stepping on the string.

   Anyone else notice the only difference between Obama and Osama is BS?!

   Doctor, Doctor give me the news I gotta bad case of OBAMA blues.

   I never knew what a sweet dream was.... Until I fell asleep thinking about you...”

   thinks the Winter Olympics would be a lot more interesting if they gave the spectators shotguns and told them to shoot at the skiers! There'd be more speed records that's for darn sure.

   took my son for his swimming lesson and he said `i need a wee` , I said after looking around `sssshhhhh just do it in the water` .... and he did , trouble is he was standing at the pools edge !!

   : After today's announcement, Ricky Martin has also announced he will be pulling out (no pun intended) his No1 Hit Single off the shelves and re-release it as "He Bangs"

   said "See You Next Tuesday" isn't an invitation to meet up

   if a funeral possession is at night, do people drive with their lights off???

   "NO STRAW...STUPID McDONALDS DRIVE-THRU JA..oh there it is.

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

   so I slept on a park bench last night..no hobo

   Just took a dump and thought to myself... What did people do before iPhones? How awkward it must have been reading them huge newspapers.

   Did I accidentally log into the Grand Wizards Facebook profile page this morning?

   - Justin AmatterofsecondswasknownworldwidetobeacompletedoucheBieber.