Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   trying to eat the soup using a fork...

   I just shouted at a guy driving aSmartCar..... and I think I totaled it.

   During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored

   I don't have a thigh gap because I have this other gap on my face where I put delicious foods and beverages.

   Saying there is a huge azz line at Wal-mart is both ambiguous and redundant.

   The first guy to discover milk probably did a lot of other weird $h!t too.

   I see that there are now Toy Australian Shepard dogs. What are they going to do herd guinea pigs?

   Although the American founding fathers were pictured as old men many were young during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, James Madison 25, James Monroe 18, and Thamas Jefferson was 33!!! Gee, what have I accomplished at those ages?

   I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.

   Every time I change my mind, I always have parts left over. Who needs a medulla oblongata, anyway?

   .... Global Warming is just a lot of hot air.

   my family is known for always having diarrhea. I guess it runs in our jeans

   Thank you, St Patrick's Day and Spring Break for proving thats the best way to get through every March is to stay drunk the whole time like the leprechauns.

   The Americans are the only ones in the world that think their elections are actually real . Everybody else just sees different fingers off the same corporate puppet . .

   Oh man, all nation are drunk crazies.

   My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

   .... If you insist on using illegal Fireworks for the 4th of July this year .... Please make sure you remove the sombrero first.

   Body builder/ figure competitor women do not have the body of a man. They have the face of one.

   I don't play hard to get I play get away from me you creep.

   "Twerking" is in the dictionary but "Fingering" is not. I'm taking this all the way to the Supreme Court.