Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LOL! My neighbor swears she was anally probed by an alien last night...... BTW, Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   Wen I say "ladies first" to a girl I just wanna look at her ass. The point is I never say "ladies first" to skinny assless girls.

   Go ahead, keep making fun of millennials but you are gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

   Anyone knows where I can get some decaffeinated Nambian Covfefe? It's made with 100% confussion.

   Tic toc tic toc tic toc it will soon be MULLER TIME

   Hey, To all of you folks planning to move to Canada because Trump won the Presidency ..... I hope you're fluent in the metric system and rich enough to pay 2-3 times the price of booze here in the US.

   The Only Sabbath that matters is Black !

   Just saw a cop pull over a UHaul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

   Do white supremacists shop on Black Friday?

   Patriots are going to the Superbowl....The NFL is going to assign someone to check Tom Brady's balls throughout the game....don't want that on my resume

   if H( . ) ( . )ters were to become a door to door service... I hope they have to change their name to Kn( . ) ( . )ckers...

   The microwave sent those nudes, not me.

   I will fight tooth and nail to get every hair off the bar of soap before it touchs my body

   Ironic that the Oscar for worst boyfriend ever went to a guy named Oscar...

   How many slutty and nude pics did it take you to get that many friend requests?

   I'm white, but I'm not... Wait. "Friends" is on. I'll finish this joke later.

   If it tastes funny, don't eat it. If it looks funny, call a doctor. If it is funny, it must have been something I said.

   Nice try "St. Patrick's Day", but I don't need a reason to drink!!

   Ghetto Olympics: On your MARK.........Get SET.............TWERK!