Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The microwave sent those nudes, not me.

   I've sold all my John Lennon albums on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.

   LOL! My neighbor swears she was anally probed by an alien last night...... BTW, Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   Wen I say "ladies first" to a girl I just wanna look at her ass. The point is I never say "ladies first" to skinny assless girls.

   Go ahead, keep making fun of millennials but you are gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

   Anyone knows where I can get some decaffeinated Nambian Covfefe? It's made with 100% confussion.

   Tic toc tic toc tic toc it will soon be MULLER TIME

   I will fight tooth and nail to get every hair off the bar of soap before it touchs my body

   Ironic that the Oscar for worst boyfriend ever went to a guy named Oscar...

   How many slutty and nude pics did it take you to get that many friend requests?

   I'm white, but I'm not... Wait. "Friends" is on. I'll finish this joke later.

   If it tastes funny, don't eat it. If it looks funny, call a doctor. If it is funny, it must have been something I said.

   Nice try "St. Patrick's Day", but I don't need a reason to drink!!

   Ghetto Olympics: On your MARK.........Get SET.............TWERK!

   My safe word is "eww."

   RIP, Roger Ebert. Michael Bay can't hurt you anymore.

   The strongest drug that exists for a human is another human being.

   You're married and that's great but just so ya know I'm more jealous of the bachelor down the street who has no kids and own's three dogs."

   The nerves of this kid to park his Smart car in between a Handicap spot!