Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh Dark Goddess Caffeina who is known by many names, bless me this day and give me the energy to get all things done that are needed.

   "Charlie Sheen and M. Qaddafi must of drank the Kool-Aid"-James Jones

   I think its time for me to clean out my kitchen cupboards. While making lunch I found soup that expired 10 years ago and some tin spice containters older than I am.

   now friends with the man on the moon,and 10 other supernatural beings.

   Sitting at home, inhaling large amounts of helium, and calling random phone numbers; seeing people just wanna talk!

   waking up from a great dream only to fall back asleep and continue that same dream

   Did Nostradamus get it wrong with his predictions and predict the end of the News of the World?

   I attended my 35 year rerunion last night. I didn't walk into the ladies room, spill a drink on anyone, walk into a wall, or offer my lap to a stranger. I'm really starting to grow up ..... and its a little sad.

   Thanks a lot Martin Luther my new LED toenail clippers won't be delivered tomorrow...

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   We are the knights who say ‘Ni!

   MIRACLE-WHIP IS SALAD DRESSING NOT MAYONNAISE Restaurants stop putting salad dressing on my sammiches !!

   Butter pecan ice cream taste like a senior citizen discount

   I actually didn’t even know Aardvarks and rats could get married.

   I'm giving myself a medal for taking care of a problem I created in the first place.

   Why didn't I think of nuking a hurricane?

   It's offically summer when white girls start counting the days until pumpkin lattes return to Starbucks.

   Iceland knocked out Britain out of Euro 2016 soccer. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Brexit last Thursday.

   Trump is qualified because he runs successful businesses? Kim Kardashian is a reality star that runs successful businesses also.

   IS says is America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.