Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I carried myself with the smug, all-knowing arrogance as people who've read all the Game of Thrones books.

   Maybe if you really love them you won't put them to the ultimate test of seeing just how much of your bullsh*t they can actually put up with

   No, of course I don't find it weird you brought your cat as a date

   Why can't they just put the power bank batteries on phones and save us all the trouble

   I cuddle on the first date.

   15 km run 50 laps of the pool yoga on the beach fresh fruit salad all before 6:30am is what fit healthy people like to do Me : I'm just waiting for the all you can eat buffet breakfast to consume copious amounts of bacon.... ** Your body is a temple **

   The thing about a woman's smile is not knowing if she's simply happy, or because she can't wait to burn your clothes for replying "k" to her heartfelt text message.

   Yeah, come on over we're just pre-gaming for the grocery store.

   I learned to cuss from Too Short.

   Now that I've stopped drinking I don't have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.

   Bomb Disposal Slogan: All's well as long as it's ticking.

   must be destined to be a nomad... nobody can live with me. i'd rather be a gypsy...then, I could go around making people thinner...or dead.

   singing to the dark through open eyes

   ‎[citation needed]

   it just me or do TSA Agents remind you of Far Side characters?

   ill show my neighbor where to stick his subwoofer, bass or whatever he has...ill turn the volume up all the way this time

   “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most

   $1200 for a redbone hound pup....fn puppy pimps!!!

   The real meanings of Facebook event RSVP's yes= most likely going but might bail last second, No= your lame why would I go somewhere with you, maybe= I'm not going but I'm too much of a pu$$ to say no.

   Remember that good decisions rarely make for good stories.