Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ❤ I loved Chris Martin, Bruno Mars and Beyoncé singing "We gotta get it together right now," which pretty much summarizes the Panthers offense...

   "Never let grass grow under your feet", not said by the first guy who went into the sod business.

   Jiggling fat is a little more fun when you imagine a dubstep noise coming out of it.

   Just did the Ancestry.com DNA swab....Now the cops want to talk with me!! #StalkersLife

   Parking spaces for turtles these days, give me a break.

   One of my many talents is pretending to be very interesting in your plans when actually I am constantly thinking about my bed.

   This April Fools I'm gonna talk a bunch of gibberish and act like I forgot about Dre.

   Words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

   My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company….

   You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.

   getting low on groceries so ive been munching on the bulk pack of tums from costcos all day. I think there giving me heartburn

   Tell me how many bottles you have on your bathroom sink and I'll tell you how many women you live with. 20 bottles? Buddy, that's one woman.

   Babysat my friends son. We both had grape juice, mine was fermented...

   Press Ctrl, Shift, C. Type "rosebud;:" and hold down Enter. Oh wait this isn't The Sims?!?! We're all screwed.

   No thanks responsibility, I have a Facebook account.

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; for your sake, I hope the beholder is blind.

   I don't have anxiety, as much as internal chaos.

   For one to describe oneself as monosyllabic would be an oxymoron.

   Yelp ,,, But for public bathrooms that are clean enough to take your kid into.

   I wonder if Long John Silver was in it for the gold and glory or to have underwear and a crappy restaraunt named after him?