Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Continental Breakfast". What is continental with jam, bread and coffee/tea?

   The problem with feelings is WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

   My heart is saying no but my mind is saying yes. Shhhh, quiet down heart. Let's see where this leads.

   At 2AM tonight it's Daylight Savings or "Drunk Dial Everyone You Know" night as my party buddies like to call it.

   It's all fun and games making fun of me and my fanny pack until you find out there's an ounce of meth in it.

   Mowing the grass on December 1st. Like every year, I'm having a green Christmas.

   If distilleries donated a dollar for every whiskey shot done under an office desk, we could cure cancer by end of business today.

   so many kids give carrots to the reindeer on Christmas & as they're flying you never hear of any droppings hitting a car or a roof.....id like to see that insurance claim

   To connect with Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and end up slipping on it.

   Really busy morning at the office trying to substantiate the hypothesis that the less you work, the less work you attract.

   It's the rule of the life - the prettier the girl - the messier car; kinda a turn on.

   Nothing shows over-familiarity like leaving just your socks on.

   at breakfast this morning, my girlfriend ordered toast instead of biscuits and gravy. I don’t see this working out…

   How have no liquor companies advertised during the Oscars? That's what's keeping us all going!

   When I said I’d give you multiples I meant a test with choices.

   In life its only a thief who genuinely wishes you to prosper and succeed.

   You should know you'll get loud while drinking. It says it right there on the bottle: "alcohol by volume".

   What doesn't kill you makes you want to go back to him for more.

   I don’t follow celebrities on Twitter, so if I am following you its confirmation that you are NOT a celebrity.

   Well 30min work-out along with some new Tae Kwon Do moves -CHECK! And just to think that was just trying to get the snow off my tires...