Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   #iwasntthatDrunk "Dude, you made your girlfriend a sandwich!"

   If two girls wear the same costume for Halloween, they are officially enemies for the day.

   Every girl is capable of murder so be careful before you hurt her :)

   Last night my wife is sipping a glass of wine while sitting with me, she says: I love you so much I don't know how I ever live without you! Me: Is it you talking or is it the wine? Her: It's me talking to the wine!

   A friend said lunch tomorrow and lets go "DUTCH" So I showed up with my DUTCH oven ready to go..

   if you're going to steal another post, you might go back about 1000 pages. Some of us have nothing better to do than bust your a$$ for reposting…

   If you're offended by a woman's foul mouth... then you've probably never made one cumm! :)

   I try to eat enough greasy food so that plaque can't stick to my arteries.

   I always pull my shirt over my entire head when I get pulled over because cops tend to have sympathy for drivers who don't even have a head.

   Ever notice the word "bed" looks like one?

   I invented some cologne called come to me, does it smell like come to you

   Happy Merry ChristmaHanuKwanziDays

   BRAIN: Say something! MOUTH: You didn't call me last night. Don't bother. BRAIN: Smooth. V@GINA: This is why we don't have nice things.

   I've just turned a mortgage payment into wine. Your move, Jesus.

   Does everyone asking questions during the debate have a deviated septum??

   Sometimes you're the windshield and sometime you're the bug!

   I'd pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   I once tried to sell my soul to the devil... But he said it was too dark and rotten to be of any use to him. The best offer he could make was some broken glass and a Milli Vanilli cassette. I took the deal, because hey... Milli Vanilli!

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl just supplied the oil.

   URGENT message to all ginger girls: Dont have a Brazilian; it looks like a fish finger....