Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can tell my girlfriend's really Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them

   Looks like Chris Kelly of "Kris Kross" finally tripped over his backwards pants falling and hitting his head. Ooops, nope, update: drug overdose. Shocker.

   I dont know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future....

   Babe I'm Pregnant" Guys be like: ♕ KEEP CALM I'll HELP YOU FIND THE FATHER

   I wonder if Chris Dorner feels like he is jason Bourne

   It’s frightening how much trust we put in toilet spray!

   To this day I still get freaked out by the Swedish Chef's hands

   Apparently, you no longer have to be 21 to consume Budweiser!

   Got kicked outta hospital,the 'stroke patients here' means something completely different.....xXx

   I'm going to Brussells. Anyone need sprouts?

   My co-worker "Pig nose Susan" was in an abusive relationship so I contacted PETA

   Fire roasted peanuts are so much better than water or wind roasted peanuts.

   Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   Just heard that Janet Jackson and Randy Travis are doing the Super Bowl halftime show..

   This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.

   There comes a time when it's just time to come.

   I wish he had a heart so I could break it!! Stupid MF

   The slower the kiss, the easier for love to slip through.

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long.