Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tom and Jerry: The original "1000 Ways to Die."

   Dear Men, Life without Women, would literally be a pain in the as*.

   Before we had Facebook, we had actual friends.

   kinda tired of hearing about it. there's plenty of hotdog and taco stands if you don't like chicken. its all food and we are all allowed freedom of speech. ok jk about the freedom of speech part

   it just me or does it seem like the Olympics have been on for like 10 days straight now???

   You had me at 'gender realignment scars'.

   I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!

   This "friend" on FB keeps posting pics of herself and her boyfriend making out. Can someone here provide me with an alibi for tomorrow night?

   The speed of a movie loading on Netflix is approximately three sandwiches.

   Yes honey. Everyone is in fact, out to get (away from) you.

   Do you know what keeps me up at night? Knowing some of you guys are real.

   Note to all my FB Friends: As we all know, the end of the world will be tomorrow. So with that being said.... I think you are all a bunch of idiots!

   Ok, Christmas lights are up and ready for next year.

   My love for bacon is kinda like diarrhea... I just can't hold it in ツ

   If you don't put nipples on the letter o when there's two of them next to each other, then you're no fun and we can't hangout. B⊙⊙bs.

   My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

   The only person you should believe when they tell you they love you is your dog and weed.

   can't think of anytime to put as a status right now. If you could write my status for me, what would you put?

   Men it’s simple. Work all day, fix things in the evenings, paint the house, wash the cars and dogs on the weekend and give us 100% of your attention…

   I'm a proud and satisfied user of the doggie-style technique!