Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going as drunk homeless girl for Halloween, because no costume needed and I can pass out on the neighbors lawn with no questions asked.

   Looking forward to seeing what exciting new Star Wars adventures will be cooked up by the dream factory that brought us Mars Needs Moms!

   Maybe I should come out with my own sex scandal.....Elmo, Patreaus, Penn State, Arnold, Tiger, Clinton.

   Its like the Mayans knew this was coming........CIA has been compromise, No mo tickle me Elmo, and Slena went Str8 again

   If I was black I wouldn't buy Band-Aids til they made them in my skin color, just sayin.

   If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing I'd like to do is see what I could get for it on Craigslist

   One day I will claim that $37 trillion in US dollars from the bank in Zimbawe I keep getting an email from. . .

   You may think I am wierd, but at least I am not boring like you.

   The least realistic part of Deep Impact is the way everyone in the world accepts the conclusions of science.

   theres no "half-singing" in the shower... you are either a wimp or a Rock Star....

   ME: When is "trash day?"............ NEIGHBOR: Umm,,, we don't observe "trash day"

   I hate when college professors make you introduce yourself to the entire class.

   wonders what guys did before baseball was created to tell how far they had gone with a girl.

   Ashley Madison is my favorite cheating website named after the two most spoiled girls in every 4th grade class.

   I’m a bad motherf ucker until someone hands me a puppy or a baby.

   Just got a new computer with 24" monitors at work! Sweet, now I can goof around in HD!

   Have you ever tried to k!ll your crazy stalker?

   I have a confession to make! Back in 1985 I... Wait a minute, get me Oprah!

   Seriously its 2013, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh.

   I don't understand why I get strange looks from dudes at the gym when I ask'em to spot me. Not my fault I can't reach my back in the shower.