Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.

   HER: You smell good...what are you wearing? ME: Weed.

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.

   I accidentally OD'd on Viagra. Man, that was a hard night!

   Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.

   I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally unavailable so get at me ladies.

   Black girls can easily commit a crime and get away with it becuase the forensic unit would find hair at the crime scene and trace it back to Brazil!

   "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   Don't have phone sex...or you might get hearing aids

   Prison football teams seam to have a difficult time finding a person qualified to play tight end.

   I just got a job in a reggae band playing the triangle, I just stand at the back n ting

   A fool always rushes to the front row.

   It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears

   I think I've already smoked this life down to the filter.

   It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.

   dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom

   Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"