Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   •When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   If one of Santa Claus's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   Mike Pence isn't praying hard enough for us. I'm beginning to think he doesn't care about us at all.

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that it turned Jake from State Farm black...

   Imagine the conversations between the fly on the wall and the elephant in the room after everyone leaves.

   Eat a handful of coffee grounds before seeing the dental hygienist. They love a challenge.

   "In this jungle are the world's deadliest snakes. Let's go see what they're up to." ~ white folks

   *Doctor enters room*.."I'm going to be blunt with you".. *whips out a huge joint*.."Let's light-up".. Nice.."BTW, you've got epilepsy".. Nice

   Men, if you've been called a$$h0le by 3 or more people, you're an a$$h0le.

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   Pollen is just flower jizz.

   I guess I have to set my phone on OKC mode this weekend........No Rings!

   LOL!!!! we need more post like the mirror one, your slacking here people!

   The key to a womens heart is... giving her all of yours! <3

   Today I was pulled over by a woman cop... I didn't know kitchens had speed limits

   I bet Carroll Shelby went from Alive to Dead in less than 10 seconds

   If it's a lady, I like to speak quickly in the drive-thru at Burger King by saying: "I have a Whopper!" When they ask: "what would you like on it?" YOU!

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status - after three times it should default to unstable

   Naked pic's of George Clooney.....crap this isn't Google

   “Are you asleep?” “No! I was in a comma, thanks for saving me."