abbybaby34 Funny Status Messages

   My ex said I would always have the key to her heart, so I take it that her new man is a locksmith?

   Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck

   It's not really stalking if you don't catch me doing it.

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   Guys, if you really want her to stop complaining about the toilet seat being up, pee with it down a few times.

   Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more...

   Blackberries are like girls, they only work when you rub one little button. iPhones are like men. One touch, anywhere and they respond.

   Facebook keeps showing me my ex "people you may know" Yes, FB, "People I wish I didn't know" quit taunting me on Vday!

   While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

   If you got attacked by a bunch of homeless people would you be bummed?

   If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   The best way to win an argument is to play dead.

   Getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.

   would like to remind any unhappy souls today that St Valentine was beaten to death with clubs

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.

   Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."

   Telling me to calm down is the only guaranteed way to piss me off.