Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grand Thaft Auto Go, New mission steal that car and kill everyone. Available Soon

   "Do not touch!" must be one of the scariest things to read in brail.

   Donating blood again today. To my face. From my nose.

   The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I'm listening. He's right. I'm listening....

   Some days I wonder if the movie Good Will Hunting would've been as successful if that guy in the bar didn't like apples.

   If I ever opened a crystal meth kiosk at a mall, it would be called “You Do the Meth!”

   Hope Solo should have the "Shut the Hell Up" special for dinner tonight.

   I once tried to force-feed my oldest son. After a while, my wife said, “Just use a fcuk*ng spoon, You’re not a Jedi.”

   Cheer up, Ryan Lochte! You might have lost your Speedo sponsorship, but Just For Men is interested in making you their new spokesman.

   Tim Kaine seems like he starts decorating his house for Halloween in August.

   Ex-Congressman Weiner embroiled in new sexting scandal. Weiner at it again.

   Wow, watching the People in the Commercial Rock Climb, Scuba Dive & Live Life to the Fullest ............... makes me Wish I had Genital Herpes too.

   Did you know, I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house.

   ITT Tech shutting down, which is a bad sign for other fake schools like University of Phoenix, Devry University, or Texas A&M.

   I'm voting for the old person who doesn't discriminate against hard candies.

   She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."

   Perhaps next year's Columbus Day sales would be a 24-hour shoplifting spree.

   Every story about edible weed: 1) Not high. 2) Not high. 3) Still not high. 4) Not high. 5) Please drive me to the emergency room.

   Wait, I'm confused. Is Pete Burns Dead or Alive? (Too soon?)

   I'm not saying she's easy, but even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.