Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....

   Me tomorrow: yea I'm calling in blind today management:: what ? Me: saw the eclipse yesterday I can't see myself coming in today

   I'm so old when I was a kid my stomach used to growl when I was hungry, now it sought of just grumbles and complains.

   For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.

   I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage

   I miss the days when a restaurant would tin foil wrap my leftovers into a swan or a boat or a hat to keep the NSA out of my brain.

   My R&B playlist is dangerous. It almost guarantees pregnancy

   The definition of surprise: a fart with a lump in it.

   Someone gave me a free pen without their knowledge today. Well, I took a pen.

   So I asked her “what is that alluring perfume you’re wearing “ and she says “OFF Mosquito repellent “ Gets me every time!

   What business makes money by driving their customers away........ A taxi.

   Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.

   Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven't felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

   I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

   It’s like all of my wife’s friends say - stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

   I know I’m no longer a kid, but I still hold out in the childlike hope that some day money will fall out of the sky. At least enough money to buy a Three Musketeers bar and some wax lips from 7-Eleven.

   I hate how celebrities always die in 3 like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison and sometimes literally on the same day like Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Bopper and now Oscar the Grinch, Big Bird and Caroll Spinney.

   If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe skydiving isn't for you.

   Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good. Mine is my back scratcher.