SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.

   It' s impossible to sneak Oreos out of this loud & sticky package they're in. Damn you Nabisco!!

   I'm no binge drinker. Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks at 1 sitting. I usually have my 4th and 5th lying on the floor.

   Little known fact: Pop-up ads are the result of that time the Internet got herpes.

   The key to staying relevant? Don't die.

   I can't trust anyone who wears a trench coat ever since McGruff the Crime Dog flashed me outside of a Miller's Outpost when I was nine :(

   "So cute! Do you think he'd fit in a crock pot?" The people at this dog shelter have like *no* sense of humor.

   Those boots are made for walking? Wow, so are most boots. Give me a call when they're made for castrating antelope or something.

   Wake & Bake People!!! Who wants a chocolate chip muffin?!?

   I just saw a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.

   Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.

   Zombie kids are spoiled rotten.

   I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking

   A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.

   My hotel shower gel includes the translation 'Gel De Douche' which totally brings me back to men's hairstyles of the 80s.

   Facebook is STILL insisting that I might know Fred Savage. What- do they think I'm a goddamn superhero or something?!

   When I go to Twitter and it says "Something is technically wrong" I think that's probably the most accurate statement ever.

   A polaroid is what an eskimo takes when he wants to bulk up.

   My holiday catalog fort is coming along quite nicely.

   Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?