Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   finds it satisfyingly funny that the initials for Valentine's Day are "V.D."

   We should ask Mexico to be our 51st state. We'd have people to do the jobs we don't want to do and would get the jobs back they sent there. Plus, some great real estate!

   you may have won this stare contest... SUN! But I'll definitely be triumphant tomorrow! ...now time for the moon

   If there were no such things as bears,what kind of hugs would we give?

   Jack Frost nipped my nose, so I hit him in the snowballs!

   so horny that i'm turned on by the crack of dawn

   wishing that girl on Maury would hurry up and find her baby daddy already!

   bored of thinking of funny things to write in status and isn't going to bother this time

   ending every sentence with "I'm Batman" instantly makes everything you say sound bad ass."

   ‎84 yr old Queen Elizabeth just started a facebook page. I'm going to poke her.

   Dear In and Out Burger, I hate you!! Signed, Someone Who Works Down the Street

   If it wasn't for Me, it would just be Aweso

   The guy who stands in the entrance of Walmart and says "Welcome to Walmart" must say it so many times, he probably wakes up at night yelling it.

   (Whitney) Houston, we have a problem.

   Buying a ugly fat chick a purity ring is like putting a fence around a dog with no legs

   Studies show fewer Democrats vote when it rains on Election Day. I guess they don't want the stuff in their shopping cart to get wet.

   It makes sense that Cain can't recognize these women, since at the time he was pushing their heads down to his crotch.

   You're not invited to the party in my pants because you don't know the difference between your and you're.

   I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say, “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

   Gender is like the Twin Towers. There used to be two of them but now it is a very sensitive subject.