Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've read the story before the duck dies

   If my death is as extraordinary as my life... then I should go quietly in my sleep.

   an important lesson I've learned moving from an office to a cubical, is that you cannot successfully execute a silent "one cheek sneak" while wearing noise cancelling headphones.

   a long term relationship with whisky though it seems complicated because i'm still having some feeling for vodka!

   I believe that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free

   Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

   How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?

   You ever had a gut feeling about having an empty stomach?

   life can be as sweet as you make it.. kinda like kool-aid.. life is kool-aid..

   If they would have had Facebook when I was in college, I would still be in college.

   ■My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update as the search bar.

   I hate it when I go for a hug, and she goes for a handshake. >:(

   "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -Dave Barry

   So... I noticed this tough guy on the bus wearing the same Pantera t-shirt for three straight days. Today he was wearing a Slayer shirt... Thank God for laundry day!

   When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it's too late.

   MTV Cribs is a nice reminder that we all act like complete idiots when we come into money.

   women dont trust women, why should i???

   closer than he appears in your rearview mirror.

   Michael Jackson may be dead, but his dance moves live through rip-offs of Justin Bieber and Usher

   My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them