Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman will ask her man what hairstyle she should get next but then go on to get a different one to the one he suggested.

   shhhhhh..it's really hard to imagine you're someone else when you talk

   If by "buns of Steele" you mean dented and rusty, then yes I do have buns of Steele

   I think it's time I find the right one to settle down with. By right one I mean a bottle of whiskey and by settle down with I mean drunk.

   If you need me, I'll be in the shower trying to wash away the last twenty years of my life.

   Love means never having to say you're sorry. But only if the relationship you're in is imaginary.

   That moment when you have so many things to do and decided to take a nap instead

   "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" - The story of a homeless guy and his dog shunned by society during the holidays.

   that face you make when you only have 1 or 2 presents & the other people around you have 10-12 :-/...then while they are still opening theirs you sit around with that f you look

   I love you and you ignore me, I ignore you and you love me.

   vacuuming my sheets, which is a fairly clear sign that I need to stop eating in bed.

   From the outside everyone looks like a nice person, try living with them for a week and see who they really are.

   It's amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.

   I don't know what's worst seinfields jokes or his hairline

   Necco Wafers: the barium swallow of candies.

   When I say "It's a long story" to you, It usually means I just don't want to tell you or I'm just lazy to.

   Arthur Carlson said As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly not Les Nessman

   Looks like we'll get another year of Lebron James choking.

   one girl scout cookie away from type two diabetes

   Nothing is scarier than an old milky eyed gypsy whispering "don'cha be 'fraid naw."