Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People say "love' is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

   What if it was April fools of next year when someone finally reveals to you the self quarantine ended 11 months ago.

   Whelp now I know how Howard Hughes felt while self isolating, except for the little fact that don't have 11 billion dollars for food and toilet paper deliveries.

   Day #....idk....of staying home and everything is great! even though I don't know what day this is, or how many days I've been awake, or if I can eat these flowers?

   Your pets are going to light your sh*t on fire in rage when you start going out again post quarantine, fyi.

   Chances of me doing anything at work today are about hahahahahahahahahahaha%.

   Hey Jude. I ran out of advice, so I'm just going to go nah nah nah nah for the next nine minutes.

   it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter basket?

   Anyone know where I can get plastic eggs big enough to hide hand sanitizer in?

   A Pizza is just a real-time Pie Chart showing how much Pizza is left.

   Some people are as useful as a white crayon.

   Covid-19 Log -4/14/20: Shaved my shoulders.

   The current 2020 calender has been scrapped. Going forward it has been redesigned as a year with 121 weeks. Each week is now 3 days long made up of Today, Tomorrow and Yesterday.

   Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat* Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to…. Me: Shat.

   My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.

   I see NASA is planning a mission to find water on the moon and maybe I'll go someday if they find enough to make a decent cup of coffee with.

   All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

   And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

   Some people are like bees. They bring honey, but they also sting. 🐝

   Who has the guts to tell Shaquille O’Neal that the General has been seen riding around with Snoop Dogg?