Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Mom always told me to dress as if I'm gay, which I guess makes sense since my clothes came out of the closet.

   Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

   Any body up for playing some Tennis...we can use my balls.!

   Public Pool Etiquette: Before urinating, one must raise one's hand and flab one's wrist as to alert others to vacate the pool.

   You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.

   FYI: I'm only interested in women ages 19 to 102. If your not in this age range please dont message me!!! Thnx

   Hmmmm .... A University of Pennsylvania/Stanford University study states that Only 9 -15% of people incarcerated in US prisons are Republican ..... Why do I have a feeling some folks are going to be a demand some sort of affirmative action for Prisons

   Redneck Children Stories: The Lion, The Witch, and the Civil War Re-enactors.

   if you hitchhike make sure to use your thumb correctly or people might think you're just congratulating them on their excellent driving

   FYI,,, I never really know when to stop peeling cabbage.

   Forget a wall, we should just put caution tape around the borders of America.

   even the digital Pokemon in my office can tell that the speech was plagiarized.

   A man at the airport bar is now criticizing "the lamestream media" for "liberal" reporting and "spelling 'speech' without the A".

   Major League Baseball games will soon be aired on Twitter. Tampa Bay Rays games, however, will be relegated to MySpace.

   My least favorite animal is the one that’s attacking me.

   Thinking it's definitely a case of the tail wagging the dog here.

   A woman would always comment LAMO on my posts. I finally said, "It's LMAO." She goes, "No, I mean LAMO, as in, "Your jokes are Lame-o!" (Okay, I made that up but let's face it, my jokes are so dry I have to serve water with them.)

   People think I'm a good guy but I used to have a Jar Jar Binks poster.

   As an adult male, I should have taken women's multivitamins as a boy to mature faster.

   Don't Tell The Kids #2: But I spent their inheritance on gummy bears and Swedish fish.