Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's great to have pancakes on a special occasion. But I think it might have been better not to put syrup on before I blew out the candles.

   My toddler keeps jumping from the coffee table to the couch. Does anybody know how to turn off airplane mode?

   These medical letters seem pretty legit. Every physical I ever got had the standard line "healthy and fit to serve as president"....

   When someone posts a picture of their new car and you want to reply, "Congrats on your $600 a month payment!"

   "Don't wear white after Labor Day" was the original first rule of Fight Club.

   Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night.

   Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him.

   Your significance or importance on this planet must never be determined by another human being other than you.

   Where is the best place to work if you have one Leg? IHOP

   I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"

   The number 5 is pronounced "ha" in thai so 555 is slang for "hahaha"

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening

   If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?

   Parents, your kids are growing up "too" fast, not to fast...

   Chain letters via FB inbox, is a great way to promote viruses, not awareness for prostate cancer..... Stop Inbox Chain letters!!

   You can not use the 5 second rule when you drop a hotdog on the floor if you have a 3 second dog.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special. We just them straight out that they are going to die."

   It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.

   If NFL players wanted free speech, then why don't they protest the fines they pay for end zone celebrations?! Hypocrites!

   I'm more excited than a long line of f@t ladies in the grocery store express lane that have their arms filled with Halo Top Diet Ice Cream on a buy one get one free special.